oh dear, it’s me

Today I drove 160 miles
from Nevada City to San Francisco
There were the rolling hills and
of course, amber waves of grain
I listened to Turnover and The 1975
and thought about everything
and nothing at the same time
To be totally honest it’s hard
to feel much of anything at all,
anymore

I don’t know what it feels like
to trust another person…
to actually want to be around
someone for more than a few hours
I remember there was warmth
and that it felt natural at the time
I’ve painted myself in so many layers
of ‘working on myself’ and ‘self love’
that I’ve become impenetrable, so solid
that I couldn’t feel warmth if I tried
It makes me sad because I recall
oozing liquid gold because of a look,
a touch, a feeling, mere eye contact —
where did that girl go?
I don’t feel real anymore
and I’m sorry to my divine self
because in the quest to become strong
I’m somehow the weakest I’ve ever been.