Category: Uncategorized

I like the feeling
of two things that
repel each other
trying to make it
work

the wrongness of it
the brute force
the power

but when it connects
and sometimes it does
like a tidal wave
it’s there and gone

it’s fanciful, utterly
to dream about you
because I know
the magnetic force
will never work in
our favor

whisk me away for a weekend
that’s all the time we’ll need
to show me your heart is tender
for me to fall head over feet

time will slow down
as it must when we fall
I’ll pretend that I love you
in the end it means nothing at all

with your arms around me
i’ll lean into the view
16-foot walls of canvas
painted bright arctic blue

and then back to real life
the conversation is short
I’ll miss you entirely, but
you’ll always have my support

I don’t know if it’s the same for you
but you lit me up
and made me feel brand new

one night
earns me four
will he show me his heart
when he opens the door

i’ve never been here
please show me around
i’d like to unlock your secrets
so let’s settle down

Strangers don’t sting like you do
venom that tastes like sugar water
Sure, I’ll bite

We dance together here in my room
I look at you longingly
in anticipation of your exit
I’d like for you to leave

“Look at us”
you said to me.
What does that even mean?

Do I exude the allure of friendship
or do you want to lock eyes
and fall into my comforter

I don’t know what you want
In the meantime, I float

When you told me that if
you could imagine tonight
there’d be no better company than me
Was that romantic?
Or the first brick you lay in a wall
to separate friends from lovers

Why can’t we kiss when you’re inside me
I promise I won’t fall for you
I don’t want to pretend
to climax with you

But I must.

I want to know what stirs you
what makes you cry
but if you can’t even look at me
when our bodies move together
then I don’t want you a moment longer

But I’m doing the same to you
What if we are the same
So content with loneliness that
trying isn’t worth it

Sometimes I see it all with you
The fireworks, the lovemaking
& the pain, the sweet kind

Then there it is,
absolutely nothing

What fuels me
What lights me up
I wanna be on fire forever

What rocks me
What crashes down on me
I want to drown in your love

I’m asking for too much
I know
but if you were the one
you would ask me for it all too

I’m counting down the days now
since you last kissed me
I can’t wrap my head around
why you can’t see me for me

You come into my life unannounced
I tell myself not again
You have me feeling all the doubt
But still, I let you in

I used to let them touch me
after a few drinks it didn’t matter
what they said
or didn’t

Searched for meaning in fingertips
I wanted them on my cheek
they wanted pink flesh
I let them have it

Like a overripe fruit
As I got older, softer even
my exterior grew unsightly
bruised easy, unwanted

My bed is not a fucking grocery store
and I am not a piece of produce

I discontinued the process
to mollify your inability to love
like I do, which is the only way

My heart no longer aches
to drum from someone who
doesn’t want to hear my song

softly killing pleasure
your eyes evade me
i swear i’ve never been wetter
but your evil cannot sustain me

There have been thousands, if not millions of works written about living here. In this hellhole everyone claims is possibly one of the best places on Earth. I’m telling you it’s not. I thought it was, which is why I moved here almost three years ago. But it’s just not.

Where to begin? The rent is literally “too damn high,” I pay more than $1k a month for a bedroom in a shared apartment with four roommates and nearly an hour commute to work each day. The days are long. You get off work and it’s already almost 7:30pm by the time you get home. And cooking dinner? Forget about it. Hop on Seamless and order anything you want and continue to think of ways to burn the modest income you do make into a heaping pile of ash. Don’t worry, cocaine is prevalent you can just cut the ash in.

Worst of all, people pretend to have this immense emotional depth when they don’t. Or maybe I’m being cynical. Perhaps they have emotional depth but it’s decrepit, broken and warped into this fucked up ideation that you’re somehow really special and each person you meet is quick whim of an experience. You don’t view people as the living, breathing, feeling people that they are, but as an experience for your own selfish pleasure. No one is special. Everyone is the same. Or maybe I don’t belong here and you all can go back to humping like rabbits.

It’s probably me. I’m an average looking, depressed and lonely woman hiding away in my Bushwick bedroom writing this now. I don’t know how I got here. My past seems to be twisted in cobwebs made up of the people who are no longer around. Why can’t I move past this dull, aching period of my life where I don’t see anything good coming my way?

At the same time I’m really hopeful, but what’s confusing is that I feel both of these feelings so strongly at the same time. I’m hopeless, but because I’ve always had something to look forward to I make myself believe that there is something out here for me despite the constant disappointment.